Help
I put this in the main new comers forum. Guess that wasn't the right place. Oopps. Here goes. Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. My partner and I have been together a total of 7 years. We were together the first time for about 6 months and we broke up because I couldn't deal with his alcoholism. We didn't speak for over two years. During that time he moved on and dated someone else and eventually bought a house with them. The subsequently broke up and because of what I do for a living, my ex needed my help in dealing with their home and what to do with it now that they weren't together. During that time period we discovered that we still had feelings for each other and decided to resume our relationship. He hadn't stopped drinking mind you, I just decided that it didn't matter and it was something that would change. Stupid me.
We eventually moved in together and got married. His drinking has continued and ebbed and flowed, getting worse at times and better at times. He is truly everything I have ever wanted in a man besides his drinking. When he is drunk he isn't violent or mean, he just kind of sits quietly and sips his drinks. He doesn't necessarily miss work or avoid social engagements, I suppose what he could be called is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks every single day up to a half liter of vodka a day. I can count the number of days this year he has been sober on one hand.
By this point you may be asking yourself "what the heck is your problem?". Well the problem is I've been lying to myself. He's not that functional. He had a work schedule that was pretty flexible so he could sleep in pretty much as late as he wanted and stay up as late as he wanted. We don't go anywhere unless he can drink there. I do mean no where. When he drinks he becomes detached and unwilling to even acknowledge me. I've spent years asleep and unable/unwilling to acknowledge what was really going on. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that we were out with a friend and said friend asked me what was going on. Why was my husband so drunk, why is he always drunk when we hang out? Well those are perfectly good questions. I had honestly not even noticed how much he had drunk that day until we got the bill for the afternoons food and drink. Our bill was, to say the least, quite huge. Earlier in the day I had asked to leave and go home soon, I have a back injury that makes sitting or standing for a long time painful and uncomfortable. My husband said no, that he was having fun...blah, blah, blah.
We have had conversations in the past about his drinking, most of the time I get reminded that I knew who I was marrying and, well, deal with it cause it aint changing. I accepted this, all of it, the emotional abuse, the knowledge that it won't change because he is perfectly happy doing what he is doing. It wasn't until I started reading posts on this blog and realized all the various ways I was enabling his behavior, covering for him with friends, making sure he has his vodka available at all times because he is unbearable without it, ignoring his behavior and accepting his emotional abuses. Like I said, I was asleep. That's the best way I can put it.
Long story, slightly long. My conundrum is, now that I'm awake again, I don't want to go back to sleep this time, I don't want to leave him because at the end of the day I love him more than I could ever have imagined I could love another person. What do I do to stay awake, and still deal with his drinking? I know, nothing I say or do will change him, I've tried pleading, begging, threatening to leave, left, told him that we won't have children until he gets sober (we do plan to adopt at some point), it lessens for a while then get's worse and worse over a matter of days or weeks. Are there stories out there of people who have stayed with their alcoholic spouse/significant other, and the situation turned out good? Where they became and stayed sober and they stayed the sweet, wonderful person you fell in love with? I have to admit, all the stories I've read on here so far tell me no, but I'm hoping there are. I just need to learn to cope, not enable him anymore, and be supportive of him until he makes the decision to become sober. Tell me your thoughts. Am I fooling myself?