What to do?
20+ years married, never anything less than 100% faithful. I take "For better or worse" literally. Always work as much as it takes to do it right. Devoted to my best friend and daughter.
Now here's the question - Since I can't stop her from drinking, do I wait out the inevitable destructive end that will be a slow death, a sudden accident, arrests and fines, unbearable insurance rates, destroyed friendships and relationships, or do I go see a divorce lawyer and get on with the lives that my daughter and I deserve?
Up until now, I've always looked at standing by, picking up the pieces and just accepting drunk and argumentative for who she is, as doing the right thing. This allows me to honor my vows. Now its apparent that she is lost, and I have the responsibility of a 13 year old superstar daughter to consider above all else. Then there's the guilty feeling that I want more for my own life.
Guilt comes from knowing that she would survive the breast cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries, but believing that alcoholism will kill her. When the doctor gave her the picnic basket full of drugs... I knew right then, that there was no escape for her. She's a broken shell of a beautiful, vibrant woman that I once loved.
I have no idea how to help her. I'm usually told that I can't help her. I know that divorcing her certainly won't help her. But it would help me and difficult and confusing as it would be, would ultimately help my daughter. These are just the personal ramifications I face. Financially and professionally things are a lot more difficult. Sell the only home my daughter has ever known, dissolution of several LLCs and possibly force a sale of my business (our livelihood) are almost foregone conclusions.
The future for my wife... I can't really imagine what that would be. I'm probably being egotistical and selfish, but I don't know if she'll survive - not for too long anyway - not without her changing her ways. If she were to lose my insurance, she won't make it financially.
The nagging question comes back to - What about me? What about my daughter? It is now my completely selfish goal to raise my daughter on my own, making decisions that I know are in her best interests - Away from the destructive influences of a career alcoholic. But being the faithful, committed husband, I feel cursed to stay in this demonic, emotional wreck of a life despite the negative impact it has on my daughter. If so, clinging to the hope that my alcoholic wife will follow a path of recovery (one she's never embraced). She has given me every reason to doubt her ability to stay sober.
My Irish-Catholic upbringing instills the guilt deep within. My late, pragmatic father taught me the meaning of the term "family-man" with his unwavering strength of character. My mother, by means of her pure faith, devotion and compassion, has made me caring. By the actions I'm considering, I feel like a traitor, a quitter - A failure.
My fear is that I will care too much... Feel too guilty... Accept her back to wait for the soon to be broken promise of her sobriety. This is what I do. I feel guilty that I expect failure from her. I would almost guarantee it. If it weren't for my guilt, I could leave 'almost' out of the sentence.
I don't want this.