thekl0wn

Just a check in. Haven't been around here much lately, but figured I would stop by since this place was a great aid in getting me through the doors that first time! (well, first time since deciding to quit)

It blows my mind that it's only been 23 days. But so much has been learned in that time. And it's been the best decision I've made, ever. I feel like the stars aligned, or however you want to put it... The first sober day, a huge weight was lifted just in admitting I had a problem. Just telling someone about the pep talks I gave myself in the bathroom of the bar. "Tonight, you're going to get your buzz and just maintain it... Not overdo it like always." And admitting to not being able to do it.

Two days after calling it quits I returned to AA. Something I'd been court-ordered to attend years ago, and took a little from. Upon entering this time, the experience was totally different. I actually related to the people there... They talked about things that creeped me out, because I didn't think normal people had these same thoughts. As it turns out, they don't. It's called alcoholism.

So, rather than sponging, I decided on the "all in" approach and volunteered myself to get a sponsor. Figured it would be some broke down old guy that was gonna preach at me about how bad alcohol is and how it's gonna get me. Turns out, my sponsor is in a related field, has a loving family, and is a very respectable person... With a "Dark Passenger". (Dexter reference) We clicked right from the get go, and our drinking history is/was pretty much the same up until the 30 mark. He just didn't stop at 30, and went on almost 20 more years until he was at an all-time low.

I had reservations about taking the first step, because I thought it was two steps in one. Yes, I'm an alcoholic and have a serious problem, but I wasn't ready to admit it was making my life unmanageable. We talked a while, and it became very apparent that yes, the alcohol was taking over my life... And headed down the path I was on, was going to kill me. Apparently normal people don't hide an extra 30 pack in each vehicle, just in case. Nor is it normal to keep a flask of gin in the back so that when getting shaved ice, it would have "flavor". That was step one... My admitting to my flaws, and the fact I had no control over them.

Step 2... It's one I truly do believe in. While I know I will struggle with step 3, because I'm hard-headed and still hold on to the religious preaching's of my youth. But step 2, the admitting that there is a power greater than myself to bring me back to the world of the sane, yes. Absolutely. Whether it be AA, SR, or human kindness/will in general, that is out of my control, which makes it a power greater than I.

Right now, my major struggle is with other's stories. I have this guilty feeling... Others have been through so much, and I just feel so guilty that I haven't hit rock bottom. Sure, I've had low spots, but I feel that I'm getting into this before I've lost control 100%. It also scares me that this same feeling will one day lead me back to drinking. I guess that's where the "one day at a time" comes into play.

So, there's my rambling's for the night. Sorry to bore. Just felt like sharing.