So much has happened in the last few weeks. I initially posted here when my ABF didn't come home. I really took to heart the responses. I moved forward and attended Al-Anon, purchased CoDependent No More (half way through), signed a year lease on my own place...I've also let him call me names in a drunken rage, tried to intervene in a fist fight at a bar, spent 2 more nights home alone because he didn't come home, listened to him berate me and say harsh things about my children in a drunken fit, picked him up from jail (public intox), and questioned everything I've ever known about this man.
This is new territory...jail!?!? We are well-known professionals. This is madness! I know I need to leave, the sooner the better. My new place won't be ready for a few more days.
It's awkward living together, but I have no other choice. I always feel like I'm playing a game of chess with him. I am trying to determine my next move once I move out. Will he call me? Will he show up? Will he send me flowers? Will he stop drinking? Will he hook up with a bar fly? Will he be sad about being alone? Will he blame everything on me? Will he be angry if I see him out? Why do I do this?!?! I obsess with the possibilities and what-ifs. I justify the thoughts by thinking that I am preparing myself for whatever happens next, but I also feel like I'm trying to predict the future. That way I can react to whatever happens.
I'm in such a strange place right now. I hate him so much. Well meaning friends are now coming forward to express relief and confide rumors and gossip that they have heard. I want to turn off the static and find the man that I know and love. I want him to put his arms around me and shut out the world.
That last part wasnt planned. It just came out and I didn't even realize I was holding it in.
