I so know what you are going through. I feel your pain and confusion completely. Your thoughts are my exact thoughts 5 months ago.
For years and years I was the party/drunk girl, the crazy one at the party, the one who people would talk about the next day(even though I would have no memory of it...)
I married into a free-drinking party family 6 years ago and there also I was embraced as my husbands wife who "loooooves her beer", and that was a GOOD thing.
The thing is no one saw the negative side, they saw fun,crazy, outgoing, funny. They didn't see the day after. Me being an absent mother snappy and miserable.
When word spread they didn't take it seriously. They thought it was temporary. They would bide their time 'til I started again.
I remember vividly my first cookout with the family. Coolers of beer,bottles of liquor, people in various stages of drunkeness. And there I was, sober as a judge and sticking out like a sore thumb.
I felt like everyone was wondering, judging, watching.
You see, what NOONE knew is that the "real me" is quiet, reserved, and introverted.
I had (have) all the same thoughts as you. "they are gonna think Im a snob" "they are gonna think I think Im better then them" "How am I even gonna join in a conversation" "Im gonna be the one BORING one at this cook out!"
The me as they view me has changed almost 100% and 5 months later it can still be awkward. But it has gotten better.
I had to realize Ive known these people for years, I love them, they love me, and we are family.
Alcohol is gone, but there can be a new beginning, basically new relationships can be made.
Its interesting, when I think about it, I have gradually moved away from the people who were my "besties/drinkin buddies" and now hang with people who I wouldnt have really hung with before because, well, they just didnt drink enough.
Everything does change, but if the people are worth it, they will embrace the new you. It takes time, and believe me I know it seems impossible.
But it's not! Last week I was at a large social gathering and I was sitting on a a swing and I found something really funny and I laughed, like guffawed really loud and some people looked over and smiled and I just realized, "holy crap I am laughing and having a good time. Sober. At a drunk-filled cookout. Being Social. WHAT!?
Give yourself a break, and give yourself a couple of months, slowly, the sober you will come out of your shell.
At first I would say, just recuperate, you have a lot of healing to do, but after a while, you should start practicing, because its gonna take a lot of practice to learn how to be social, sober.
I know it seems unfathomable that those words even go together, but I am living proof it can happen! I am SOBER and SOCIAL and you can be too!!!
