About the BALLOON idea----
please, PLEASE, choose some other metaphor for release!! Balloons land, and animals are then in danger of ingesting the latex and dying from intestinal blockages.
Intestinal blockages are exquisitely painful--I have had extensive intestinal surgeries and can tell you this from personal experience.
Instead of endangering wildlife (or dogs and cats), why not write your thoughts on paper or bark and then burn them?
.............
Anyway, I definitely feel your pain, AnonK.
I'm not in a fabulous frame of mind today. The psychological splitting is very hard. That's where we can't believe that the wonderful guy is also this awful abuser. Our memories get stuck on the feelings of love, happiness, closeness and forget about the pain, fear, alienation, constant disappointment.
What's also hard about this for me is the fact that I can't trust I'll find anyone...I've always reacted with that negative belief, even when it was clearly not true. But, my desperation made it impossible for me to become comfortable enough with being alone. I don't just feel alone---I feel Abandoned on an Ice Floe.
It's even worse now, at my age. I really feel awful and old and unwanted. I deeply fear that this will be the rest of my life, now.... trying to make the best of being alone.
I still remember him and the good stuff as if it were recent. Not over 2 years ago!!! Am I a mental case, or what??
It's bad when I'm alone....getting to meetings or activities helps. YOu know what they say about hanging out alone in a bad neighborhood.
There's a helpful book called "How to Get Past Your Breakup; and Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You".
Thank you for sharing AnonK...it's good to know you're not the only one feeling these things.