so. i wrote a post a little over a month ago about my (ex)boyfriend filling a prescription for codeine and saying he didn't take any while he is supposedly in sober living. he was back and forth and all over the place in his treatment of me. one day sorry and he loved me so much, next day f**k me and it's all my fault and i didn't do anything i should have done to fix us. plus, denying being on opiates again. denying being on benzos again. the usual. i was telling him for weeks and weeks, this will never work, there is no trust, this can't be fixed. maybe he thought i was bluffing or just talking. maybe i was being "too nice" as someone suggested on here. entirely possible. i found myself feeling annoyingly guilty for ending things. sorry for him in a way. obligaged somehow although i'm not and wasn't. there was still a tiny sliver of doubt in myself and my "gut feelings" that things were not what he said. you know...like, what if i AM wrong?? what if he ISN'T doing anything and i am just being paranoid?? all that.
anyway, i got home from work two days ago, checked the mail, and there was another prescription summary. not only was there codeine on this one, but also vicodin, and morphine...and klonopin. and the scripts were filled at two different pharmacies. meanwhile, i had gotten more texts from him saying he was so sorry and he can't believe that "now that drugs are OUT OF THE PICTURE" and he has "gone through all this and tried so hard and COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE" he just can't believe i NOW don't want this relationship. i just replied something to the effect of, "how are the klonopin, vicodin, morphine, and codeine going now that drugs are out of the picture?" heard nothing at all until next morning when i got an email with all the excuses and justifications and none of my business and it's my fault for being so judgmental and all that... i told him i thought it was gross that he was trying to keep our relationship going and come back to live with me under completely false pretenses and that he could find his stuff in the basement when he returns. (basement is separate from my place...he does not need to come in here to get in there.)
point of all of this... i feel like 'the universe' gave me exactly what i needed just when i needed it most. that prescription summary was not really supposed to end up here, but it did. it absolutely validated everything i have been feeling and thinking. it released me from my feelings of guilt and obligation. i felt as though someone/something had come along and untied my hands--yes, the hands i had tied myself with my own dysfunction. i see no point in any further conversation with him. there is nothing to argue about. there is no truth i need. i am finally free.
here's to moving FORWARD with both eyes pointed in that direction!
