I have a little ESH to share regarding this topic. For many years, both before and after I was divorced, I tried to manage my kids relationship with their dad. I had their best interests at heart, no doubt. As a parent, it's very difficult to see my children angry, disappointed, sad, or any other non-happy emotion you can name. As a codependent, however, those maternal instincts turned into a desire to control. I learned that just as I cannot control the alcoholic, I cannot control my children either. They will, unfortunately, get hurt, angry, disappointed and experience the other unpleasantness life flings at them. Best I can do is be their safe place, someone they can trust and count on, and help them deal with it.
It really, really sucks when one parent hurts their own children emotionally. But, it's not on you to fix that. When my kids asked me why their dad did something, or didn't do something, or whatever, I told them I don't know. Only he knows why he does what he does.
This did not come easy. Not only was I accustomed to answering all their questions, but they were accustomed to it also. We all had to learn new ways of behaving and coping and it took some time. When I began making changes in my behavior, nobody close to me was happy about it. Change is hard. It's especially hard when the changes temporarily seem to make things worse.
Keep practicing your new, healthy behaviors and I promise you it will all work out for the best. But, it won't happen immediately. Sometimes the right thing is also the hardest thing.
L