first welcome back ArticSA....if you are alcoholic you will need to accept that...
Relapse has nothing to do with being stupid or that you are a terrible person.
Like many people wrote, with 4 1/2 months of sobriety you were doing something right....
Emotional relapse and the obsession happen some time days/weeks before the physical relapse...
Write down and figure it out what was going on...dropping meetings, not working the steps, not working with other alcoholics, feeling sorry, etc.
Time to get over it and put this baby back in to remission!
Keep this thread bookmarked and refer back to it through out the days and next months.
Above all...don't drink no matter what...commit yourself....tell those other people...there is no shame...only a beautiful life to be realized.
Peace!