matrixwoman

hi everyone:

i've come across this site a few times in my googling of addiction and thought this time i should sign-up and get some support.

i started my addict partner about 2 years ago. i felt he was well along his road of his recovery so i felt comfortable starting a relationship. to date, i don't live with him or have children with him.

over the first year he relapsed about every 3-4 months. not a good sign i know. plus his angry side started to expose himself. at first i kept threatening break-up if he didn't stay clean. then after a few of those i reevaluated and decided that accepting his struggle with recovery was worth it to be with him. at that point, i truly was ok with it. however, did get upset with him if his behaviours directly affected me. meaning if he lied to me, was high around me, called me names, brought drugs to my home etc. yes i know, it's an oxymoron (if that's the right word). you can't accept an addict if you expect them to have strong values when they are relapsing, but on the other hand i wasn't try to change him, but merely set a boundary for my own health that he stay away from me (not break-up) when he is in 'relapse mode' and i would be there once he was working his recovery again.

but he just can't seem to do that. over the last 6 or more months, i've had to call the cops because he would become agressive towards me if i found him high at my home (i allowed him to stay in my home temporarily in between recovery houses). then i stopped allowing him to stay and now he still comes on my property and won't leave. the only silver lining here is that him getting arrested is always the best for him as gets hiim off the street and he usually has to sit in jail for a month or more as he breaches his probation. it's so sad how well he does in jail. he's very institutionalized.

over the last 6 months his relapses have been lasting longer. and more recently, he was 'out' for over a month and i had to call the cops and cut off contact. now he's in jail again and i'm missing him because he's wonderful when he's sober. but for the first time ever he isn't contacting me from there. if he's respecting my request of no contact, then i respect that, but i'm just not used to it. i've caved yet again and left a message for him to call me back from jail. no return call. i'm certainly seeing my own dependecny issues. he mistreated me several ttimes, and now i'm actually panicking that he may not contact me again. i can't stand that our last contact was him high and being hurtful to me. depsite many of his contacts being disrespectful, i guess it was attention....i knew he still loved me...now wiithout hearing from him, i am becoming desparate and feeling lonley without his attention....i would be totallly ok if he were to tell me that he wants to work his recovery without me so he can focus on himself...but i feell that i deserve to be told this....not have to guess it.......


anyways, that's my story. glad to be around people in my shoes....

erin