Ltlys, I am in a situation almost exactly like yours. We are caught in a struggle between what we know is right and a heart that clings to some good memories and feelings. A heart that wants the sober man we knew. It can't be. It just can't be. If he came back and knocked on your door tomorrow, would you take him back again knowing of his active addiction and what it does to your life? If you remember nothing else remember this: It's NOT THE LOSS, it's the REJECTION that stings. Because what have you lost other than the misery his addiction brings into your life. That's a GOOD THING. We are in pain from the sting of rejection.
You mentioned your girls. I have girls too. I look at them and I just know that despite anything my heart feels for this man, there is no way I can move forward with him. He's hurt them and me too many times now. And mark my words, I am certain they will eventually come knocking back at our door. They always do. Not sure about you, but this sadness is too much. Ive had enough of it in my life. There MUST be a better way for us. The sadness will pass. Everything changes given enough time. We can support each other. That is what this place is for. I have been surrounding myself with girlfriends and trying to make sure I am not alone. Ive also gone shopping for some new dresses, (although, ya might want to be careful with the shopping therapy..that can be dangerous for your wallet) At night, well, I have the same problems you do. I find that I just go to sleep earlier than before. I'd rather sleep than stay up and think alone in the dark. Not a good vibe and always leads to tears. We can do this. The Alcoholic is NOT rejecting us. The alcohol is. And we reject it right back. Happiness is a choice. And it is never more difficult to make the positive choice then when our human tendencies to live in past moments take over. We must not allow it. I live in this moment with you and then I shall live in the moment of my breakfast of starbucks and cheesy popcorn. Hugs to you and your kids Darlin