Healing days, LONELY nights
I believe I finally did the first step. I was able to admit I am powerless over Alcohol. My life has become unmanageable.
In the last week I have been browsing this site several times each day. Although, each story is different, there is always the underlying similarities. I have also been attending weekly Al-Anon meetings since my AB went to recovery in the begining of May. The meetings have been helpful but, I really credit what I have read here to have finally realized the profoundness of that first step.
All along I kept thinking that somehow, some way all my prayers and long talks with his friends would make him want to change. He has chosen not to have any contact with me. Honestly, I even thought if I went to the Al-Anon meetingsand he knew it, that would make him want to come back. I am also seeing a couselor to work on some things and I totally expected that would somehow make him want to work things out too.
None of that is going to change things. I am powerless. I know that this disease is far beyond my comprehension. Nothing, there is absolutely nothing I can do. No amount of begging, and pleading will make him come back. No amount of tears cried will make him come back. Nothing. I AM POWERLESS.
I decided today that I truly am letting this man go. Im doing it because I love him. It is his life to live and make his own decisions. I have my life to live and my own recovery to work on. He has made his decisions thus far and I have to accept them for I cannot change them.
So now with that being said, I find myself always slipping back into denial almost every night. Why is that? I miss him so much right now. Its like as the sun sets so do my logical rational thoughts. Its as if I want to take back all the progress I made during the day and wallow again. That maybe just maybe my life will magically change at night and I will wake up the next morning to him knocking at my door and saying "what a fool I have been. I love u and ur girls and I'm a changed man."
Am I the only one who feels this way? Its like I know all the things I need to do to get my life back. His life is his to live and I know that, but, these lonely nights are making it difficult.
Really could use some insight!