I'm in a reflective mood at the moment. Or maybe it's just one big, long vent...
My two major relationship have both been with alcoholics. The second one is the one that the majority of my posts refer to. However, before that, I was with an alcoholic (we were both in denial about this fact) for 18 months. He made my life hell in more ways than one (he downplays this fact due to the fact he never physically assaulted me). I enabled his alcoholism and he enabled my co-dependency (
BIG time).
I'm sitting here on my couch in my little apartment. It's not perfect, but it's perfect for me. I've taken great pride in furnishing it; and great pride in the fact that I am taking care of and responsibility for myself. It's one of my greatest accomplishments in life.
Not everything is sunshine and rainbows, of course. I already had my own set of problems before my two exes came along. Ironically, I don't think I'd be as well off as I am if I hadn't gotten entangled in the nonsense.
They come and then they go. As they run for the hills, they say "I'm no good for you. You deserve better". So, as I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, I try to figure it out. Surely they knew they were not any better than they were before we got together; so why string me along in such a manner? Maybe, I tell myself, it's part of the alcoholic's manipulation.
And, maybe, I say, it's partly my fault too. I know, I know... didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. I've been independent all my life; and suddenly, within the last 5 or so years, I've had such a major meltdown -- especially with my co-dependence. I went from being perfectly happy alone, to clinging onto these men who could care less about me. I'm trying to work my way back from that, but it's easier said than done.
Most days are good, but I've relapsed a bit these last few days. Not enough to reach out to either of them (I learned my lesson with the second one; and the first one called me a few weeks ago, and won't be doing that again soon). I've reminisced about the conversations we used to have and the intimate moments we shared. I'm currently watching one of ex's favorite shows, and it is bittersweet.
I've been writing in a journal, in the tone of a letter to my second ex. With the first one, there was a lot of screaming and profanity. He knew exactly how I felt. Everyone within the vicinity knew how I felt -- his family, his friends, his co-workers, his new lover. I'm not angry with my second ex; though I'm just as hurt by what he did. So, there were no angry outbursts. Unfortunately, there wasn't much of an ending closure either. A few short messages, and that was it.
In my journal, I summed it up as so: "I've been hurting a lot... I look like I'm doing much better... However... I engage in a struggle just about every single day. I struggle in dealing with my emotions. Whether or not you intended to, and whether or not you realize it... you hurt me".
I've come to the realization that it is not either of them that I miss; but instead, the connection that (I thought) we shared.
I deserve better!
I'm done venting now.
for allowing me to clear my head!