I've been reading this thread and haven't responded because this thread triggered me a lot and I wasn't sure why. It just made me feel sad - the original post made me sad, it all made me sad. Threads don't usually do that to me but this one did. I finally realized it was triggering my childhood memories - this was my family - my father as an A (an absent one) and my mother spent her time trying to protect our "image" and make our lives appear happy. What my mom didn't know was I in turn spent my energy in my early childhood years trying to pretend her plan to make our lives "happy" was working when it wasn't. When I got older I quit pretending and well...things got worse from there.
I say all this only because as an adult I had trouble leaving my marriage because like my mom I was trying to keep up the image and appearance of happiness - so childhood really does affect adulthood and I know where you're coming from there, for me I had to re-explore and work thorough those childhood feelings before I could even start to address how they were affecting me now/today and take any action. And I'm still working on it - so I understand how hard that is.
Your post gave me some perspective I didn't have before (my Mom's perspective) so I thank you for that - I have expended a lot of energy being angry with her but I see she was also in pain. So I guess hearing your pain made me have more empathy for her and I just felt sad.
I say all this not because I want to compare your situation to my childhood (every situation is unique so they are not the same) but because I feel the sadness and sadness is contagious. I also feel that sadness can be a precursor to change should you want it to be - you and only you get to choose whether it is or not.
Everyone's life is different and their choices different so no one here can change your decisions/choices and they are not ours to judge, all we can do is wish you the best with them.