Liz, people don't do anything unless there is something in it for them. Any organism will exert more effort to avoid pain than to make change that will bring comfort. Not until the pain becomes unbearable, will the organism face the lesser pain of change. This is basic human behavior that governs (applies) to all of us.
Liz, I so get it--as I have said in posts over a year ago--You are bonded to this man because he is your security and your identity. Your past abuses have damaged your sense of self and identity that you are getting it from outside yourself--your husband.
You choose to stay with him. O.K. You see him as "good" in spite of his hurting you--of course, you need to see him as more good than bad because of the need to rationalize your staying. This is very common in spouses of abusive partners. Well known--and well recognized by those who work with abused women (and men).
Bottom line--you are staying with him--you have stated this over and over. O.K. It serves your needs to do this.
I think what drives many very compassionate poster on this forum NUTS is that you continue to complain about him, and his atrocities, over and over...and over. Naturally, they are going to jump in and do all they can to try to help you.
Liz, your happiness can come only from your influence and control over yourself. He is a mute point---you are staying;he isn't changing. You are the only one that has the power to control your own happiness or peace of mind. You control yourself, only.
I don't see any value in further debating whether your husband is good or bad or NPD, or, whatever. If he were a stuffed figure sitting in the living room--it would still be the same. He ain't leaving==You ain't leaving.
You can carve out some happiness and serenity by the help of an intense alanon program and intensive work with a GOOD therapist trained to work with abused women.
As I see it, your husband can no longer be your excuse--if you ever want to have any happiness in this world.
dandylion
p.s. everything that I have said above, I have said to you before. My opinions are solely my own and come from wanting to help you out of compassion--just as do the other posters, I believe.