Liz,
My heart goes out to you. It really does because I know how painful it is to open your eyes one day and actually SEE how unhealthy and disfunctional your marriage, your life, and your home have become. Its like you see flashes of it as the years go on but one day it just seems to come into full view and it can be very painful and scary to take it all in at once. Sounds like your having a real moment of painful clarity.
The thing is...this is a moment of opportunity and change for you. I'm so glad you are going to al anon and that you have a good sponsor. Al anon literally gave me a roadmap out of the muck that was my life. Step four was a true turning point for me. It can be painful to really and truly admit to yourself that you have been an active and willing participant in the insanity. Getting to the root of WHY you participated like this and accepted unacceptable behavior is the key to changing your behavior and thinking patterns and creating a NEW pathh for yourself.
Just one last thought...you say you still love your AH. You know, I still love my exah. Or I guess I still love the man I married. I'm not sure that he actuallly exists anymore. I don't know if he has completely disappeared due to his alcholism and other mental health issues or whether he still exists underneathh layers of paranoia, resentment, self-pity and only God knows what else. Just because you have feelings of love towards him doesnt' mean you still love him as a husband and life partner. Just something to think about. You don't have to reach the stage of hating him to make changes. You are a compassionate woman and you might never reach that level with him...but you owe at least as much compasssion to yourself.
Keep searching.
You're on the path to recovery whether you see it or not.
Hugs and support...
Mary