I am sure you are a great person mrosko.
I identify with you, not only as another codependent (if, indeed, that is what you are) and as the person who wanted to stay with an alcoholic.
I am also in recovery for alcoholism, so I thought I knew what I was in for.
I had no idea. None.
Without my numbing agent, I was exquisitely aware of how little I meant to my husband, or more correctly how much more important the drugs were to him.
Please do see a therapist, I think we all need a little outside opinion once in a while.
Keep yourself aware of the waves and swells.
I just thought of that line from "Jaws" when Roy Schneider saw the shark for the first time.
"I think we're gonna need a bigger boat."
You need a whaler for this job, just to stay afloat.
Right now the water is too choppy, weather says stay ashore.
Beth