Forgot to mention:
You said: " don't know about everyone, but for me...well, i had to try and come to grips with that for longer than four years of trying. every time i tried, i was serious. or thought i was. felt i was. (but how can i tell in retrospect???? just "judging" from the result of whether i "made it" or not is too circular to determine seriousness of intention)"
OH yes. I remember reading your discussions on Secular Con a few weeks ago, about just that. I tend to agree with you about those last two sentences in parentheses. A bit of a mind F. You could go quite mad, worrying about that stuff. (I don't think you are, mad that is :-)) But I'm a bit the same, and often found myself nodding when you were trying to elucidate your thinking on it before. Not that we want to go back there again - too stressful for you, I reckon!
Some just seem to travel on....and some of us, well, we travel on...then derail....travel on...derail. One thing I am learning, from the newcomers' posts, for instance, is how variable that is for each of us. It Just Is. And as you said above (if I may gloss on it): the starting gate is always there, and we can - and often do - walk through it. Thankfully. That's the hope that Robby mentioned a few posts back in this thread. I take a cautious (depressive's) view of Hope. But it's probably the only reason I'm still alive!