thanks fini, for your always-considered response.
Yes, you're quite right that I admit knowing drinking worsens my depression (and everyone else's too), YET crave a drink to take the edge off (when it's really bad). Suppose I should've been a bit clearer, in that I crave that first couple of drinks after which I do feel better. It's of course further down the track (hours, days or weeks) when continued drinking exacerbates depression even further.
It's madness, of course, of a kind. I know that, I feel that, but....I can see my recurring chronological pattern: get sober again for a month (sometimes, right on 30 days, it's like an inner clock). Pick up a drink, drink for a day or so....or with a few days break in between, then quickly progress back into daily (all day) drinking for another few weeks.
I actually went along to an XX meeting today, and was asked to speak towards the end of it. I spoke about exactly this stuff, and also about the difficulties (in my experience) of quitting AND STAYING sober / abstinent in your later years, i.e. mid-50s and later. As you know, the brain gets so re-wired, profoundly so, the more the drinking decades pile up.
Add to that life long mental illness or whatever sort....quite a mountain to climb!
It's one of the reasons that I'm quite envious of those who do quit and pretty much stay quit from their early 20s or so. I don't of course wish on them the suffering they went through before quitting - or even after! But, I'm extremely chuffed for them...but to be honest, yes, a bit envious.
Still, I know full well - and I know you know I know it :-) - that i simply must travel this path myself, as each of our lives are different. We have the commonalities of addiction and what it brings in its wake, but our personal histories in all senses are ours to face. I achieve nothing by maintaining sad envy about those with years of a better life. That's a hard lesson to remember!
And, sorry if my postscript might have put you off replying. I'm glad you did. There are, shall we say, ways of um, looking at someone's writing; some are better at really hearing the feelings and thoughts there, than others. :-) I mean, 'honouring' those feelings and thoughts. I always enjoy your thoughtful posts, fini; they strike me as of that honouring kind.
And thank you for reflecting on your own passage through the years of starting again, and again,.....