Where do I go from here?
Hi all,
Sorry for the long post but I am after some advice. I feel my journey to recovery has been an unconventional one and I'm after some help as to what my next move should be.
To give a bit of background, I'm a girl in my early 20s with a family history of alcoholism. I started drinking when I was 16 and loved it. In my teen years I was the girl who was always the most drunk at parties, did a lot of very embarrassing stuff and caused my family a lot of worry and anxiety. At university my drinking increased and that's when I started to realise that I found it very difficult to stop drinking once I had started. Almost every time I would go out it would be with the express intention of only having a few drinks and then would end up waking up the next morning with absolutely no recollection of the night, unidentified injuries, a sinking feeling of dread etc. At many points my parents tried to speak to me about my drinking, told me I had a problem and so on, but I felt that they were just being over anxious.
After leaving uni I thought my drinking would naturally settle down but it didn't. I started to realise the way I drank was different to others. A friend pointed out that in the time he had drunk a pint, I'd had a bottle of wine. I often got panicky if I was sharing a bottle of wine with a friend and they were drinking too slowly and weren't ready for me to top up our glasses. On a few occasions I would go out with friends and when they decided it was time to call it a night I'd say I was going home but then sneak off to another bar to continue drinking alone. I also began to see the alcohol intake negatively impact on my daily life in many ways (health, relationships, work and in particular, my personal safety). I tried many things to try and drink normally...a hypnotism CD, self help books, drinking different drinks, drinking a glass of water in between each drink, starting to drink at a different time and so on. Whatever happened though I'd always seem to end up really drunk as once I'd had a couple of drinks I'd end up just wanting more and more.
Eventually, at my parents urging, I went to see an addiction councilor who told me he thought I was an alcoholic. We worked through some step 1 worksheets together and I identified a lot of the ways in which my drinking had got very out of control. With his help I stopped drinking for 6 months.
However, towards the end of the 6 months I got a new job and moved cities so I stopped seeing him. He advised me to start going to AA meetings. I went to a couple before I moved and felt I could relate to what everyone was saying and felt this could be helpful for me. However, once I moved I didn't really get into a pattern of going and I started finding things tough. After a few weeks I went out with an old drinking friend and got blind drunk.
I haven't drunk since then and am really keen to stay sober but I don't know the best way to go. Should I be going to AA meetings? My big concern with doing so is that I really don't feel convinced as to whether or not I am really a true alcoholic. As I see it there are arguments on both sides. I know I struggle to control my alcohol intake when I drink and that drinking causes me to become anti-social, unsafe and a bad human being. However, I also know I wasn't physically addicted to alcohol as I could go a few days here and there without any and not have the shakes or anything. Also I have many friends who I know would laugh if I told them I thought I was an alcoholic.
I have heard some terrible stories in AA about the tragic things that have happened to people from drink and the bad way they have ended up in. I worry my problems aren't big or bad enough and that they will think I'm an idiot for even classing myself amongst them, especially as I am so young. I also worry that I'm just wasting my time and that maybe I don't even need it and should just stop being so dramatic.
Either way I know I don't want to drink any more but it is often a struggle to stay sober, especially as I am young and so many people my age drink, although I do feel happier and more settled since the move. What are my options? How can I help myself?
Any advice really v.much appreciated xxx