On day 2 after 5 years of sobriety
Having managed 5 years of sobriety in AA I took one sip of wine a couple of months ago. I was so upset that my sobriety had gone and that, that slip cost me the 5 years. I kept it to myself for a week, and only when I told my sponsor who confirmed I had slipped did I then pick up properly, my rationale, however barking mad thought if its gone it might just as well be for a proper drink.
Fast forward a couple of months and I am back to daily drinking. Not a massive amount, just a few to get me mellow. Husband is upset, and it is the fear of his response that is stopping me truly getting out of it. I have stopped going to AA as I feel that somehow I now don't fit in, a failure, and pitied. I haven't phoned my sponsor and neither has she contacted me.
I have booked into see an addiction specialist, and that starts this week. I think I am looking for someone to confirm that I am an alcoholic. This may always have been my problem, step 1. I can drink too much, hide alcohol, drive under the influence, and still think that I abuse and that I could sort this out with a bit of effort, or wasn't so greedy.
Today is my second day without booze, and whilst I have no physical withdrawal, I barely made it out of the supermarket without buying wine. I don't know if this is weakness or the mental obsession. I wake up and my first thought is can I fit booze into my day.