thanks for the input guys, I just learned there was an investigation and people who went with me were questioned and I also learned I am banned from the rafting trips. them knowing I was formerly in AA is what I think triggered the decision to cut me off entirely or I'm gone. Had I been some random drunk kid with no known history of alcoholism I don't think they would give me a chance and I would be hitchhiking to the anchorage homeless shelter, people are also very supportive and offering rides to meetings... still I feel so ashamed and embarassed about this.
It's amazing how fast it can go from being outwardly normal to all out chaos and being on your last straw. I literally can't drink, primarily because of this new probation the lodge has me on but what it basically does to me and the reckless and all out stupid things I do. I put another person's life in harm's way, including the rafters who helped us. I think I honestly get suicidal when I'm on a binge, because I do reckless things I would never do sober, for example I'm very scared of heights but will free climb 50 foot cliffs for the attention and the rush, I also hate grizzly bears but purposefully get lost in bear country for the same reason. I hate whiskeys effect on me the next day and what it does to me period, but I continue to drink it and unlike normal drinkers who pace themselves I begin to speed up like I'm trying to kill myself with alcohol.
I hope I am able to stay here but I will probably get strange looks for a while now that I'm "that guy" again. I'm glad theres people on here who understand and can relate, I guess I know what being alcoholic truly means now and that I can lose control just when I think things are running smoothly.. thanks for the feedback once again