I just don't know what to do any more. I don't even feel like my current issue is related to alcohol, but i sure know its the first thing i think about when i feel like this... purely because it makes me numb - well thats before it makes me want to kill myself usually and have an episode for a couple of weeks...
jonny, alcoholic, 26 years old... sober 4 months.. 4 months ago i slipped once, before that id been sober 3 months... all in all this is the longest period ever for me...
no AA, no addiction councellors, none of that.. i have found through chronic relapsing that i just do not gel with AA... i dont like the concept of it, i dont like sharing in rooms, i dont like sitting thinking about, talking about or being in any way associated with anything to do with alcoholism, sobriety, alcohol, or anything in that area. i know people are going to post "go to aa", so im just getting this out of the road first - i appreciate that aa works for people, i on the other hand, hate aa, and have had the most successful run of sobriety without aa.
however i just feel lonely, in the romantic sense. since i broke up with my ex 2 years ago i have had NO intimate encounters, no female friends, no girlfriends, not even so much as a hug from the farier sex. i feel like an absolute failure. and the reason i am posting is because this is what kept me drinking for 8+ years. i just feel totally unattractive - i have never considered myself ugly, but the fact that there ahs been no interest in that long just makes me seriously say well the evidence would support the fact that i am not attractive to women. if i was attractive to women i wouldnt be sitting feeling like this because there would be evidence in the form of interest from females that im not.
i just feel like its going on so long now that its ripping me apart inside, and even though i know i wont drink, i just dont know what to do to address this.
people say to me, well youre going to university in september, youl meet them there. but you know what, i dont think i will. because i suffer from social anxiety, i hate crowds of people, i lack confidence around people i dont know, and i sure as hell wont be approaching any females. that leaves me stumped doesnt it, really. i just sittin here feeling like im destined to be lonely, my friends are constantly "shacking up" with new women, im just totally baffled, how does this just happen to everyone except me
this is where i know that people will suggest aa, but i just want to set it straight that im totally uninterested and not open to taht idea at all. ive been there, done that, MANY MANY times, and i do not like it. i can think of much better ways to spend my time than sitting listening to people talking about alcohol or spending any time of the day focusing on alcoholism what so ever, because for me personally that makes me want to drink. also, i dont really find much enjoyment sitting around people 3 times my age. i just want a normal life with normal people who dont drink, and everything has been great in my sobriety up until this point, where im now just fed up being alone.
like i say this isnt a cry for help in terms of needing to relate to alcoholics and all that fluff, some people need that, i dont... i just need a relationship with females, even a f***king friendship.. i just feel like a total failure and totally unattractive. im on here posting this because if i dont challenge this feeling it usually ends up being an unwanted outcome