Originally Posted by
2granddaughters 
I asked God for the strength, I went to meetings regularly.
Sure I struggled. Alcoholism is a living thing and doesn't want to die. I have a daily reprieve, not a "cure". This isn't a cake walk. It's work.
I came to AA in 1989 with a gun to my head and it was all I could do to not pull the trigger. I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK THERE !! That's why I stay.
All the best.
Bob R
I wish I was a believer and could ask God for strength. Finding a Higher Power has been difficult and I must admit a large part of me fails to understand why a HP would be necessary.
I do know I want to live a better and more productive life, I'd like it all to have not been meaningless and negative. Every day, even in small ways, I'm harming someone else. I was meant to go to the fair with my family today but I'm too tired and worried about the little ones seeing me drunk. They really wanted to see me and I've let them down. Again.
It's hard to find the motivation to take even the most basic steps towards recovery. I'm great at gathering resources and making plans but when it comes to the actual work all I can think is "What's the f'ing point?"
I'm on medication for depression (bipolar disorder) and it keeps me from wanting to end it all but the side effects make me sluggish/sleepy and spend each day just 'existing'.
Where do I find my motivation? I know I don't want to live like this but it doesn't seem enough. Three years ago I hit my 'bottom' and the closest thing I can find to motivation is the determination not to end up in that situation again. I'm probably heading there again some time in the future and kidding myself it will be different but getting up in the morning, showering, shaving, eating etc. at least feels like some level of accomplishment.