Alone in new territory
I suppose this isn't the place for introductions, and i haven't read through the forum rules ..but it's 2 AM and the quiet is a bit much to bear.
Just recently started dating someone I've known for quite a while. We hadn't seen each other in some time. He wasn't ever overweight, but when I saw him again he was drastically thinner. Very intelligent guy but suffers from depression—never thought he had a drinking problem until I inquired about a necklace he was wearing. He admitted that it was an AA pendant. I was shocked but proud of him.
He's been sober 2 months, but today he made the decision to drink. I don't know what made him do it, and he only admitted to it because I was rather upset with him because he seemed to be pushing me away. He then said he had made a bad decision and didn't want me to see him drunk. The good thing is that he called his sobriety buddies and they whisked over to get him. Makes me happy that he's committed to getting better.
What I didn't expect though, was how hurt I would feel, betrayed..scared..worried..angry. Most of all selfish.
The whole time that he is admitting his slip up I'm fully aware that this isn't at all about me and I should be supportive... but then what do I do with my own feelings? At 2 AM. Who supports the supporters?
Logically I know all the right answers (it isn't about me, only he can make the choice to be sober, it's called an addiction for a reason, etc), but emotionally.. it feels like there's a hole in my chest.
My selfish and irrational thoughts in a nutshell:
I'm hurt that he didn't reach out to me. That we aren't a "team" Hurt that I have to just stand here, helpless, while he goes off into the fold of ..people he trusts? My trust feels fractured. I feel betrayed, but I can't pinpoint why. I don't remember establishing some unspoken trust that he would never drink again. Perhaps I placed too much confidence in how easy he made it seem. I'm scared at how easily he made the conscious decision to drink without consulting anyone, even his AA buddies. Worried that he'll slip again and not recover. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing and feel like I have to bottle these feelings lest I cause him to feel bad and drink more/again.
Twice he said he hoped I could find it in myself to forgive him, and horribly, all that echoed in my head was "why are you asking for my forgiveness? Does it really matter to you? Clearly my feelings didn't matter when you were out buying beer." I wanted to walk away instantly. I wanted to be mad and lash out. And frightened, I started questioning whether or not this was really the life I wanted to get myself into. (There are other issues, but this is the one I feel most unprepared for.)
Of course, all I said was that I was glad he was reaching out and that I knew he could start over tomorrow.
So, now its almost 3 AM and he's with his support group, meanwhile I'm trying to get some sleep but choking on tears that won't actually surface. I try to be very supportive and empathetic to all the important people in my life regardless of situation. But... Do supporters get to have feelings? Do I get to have feelings seeing as how we've only been dating a short while? Do I just generally have to walk around feeling like selfish scum because he has difficulty with his addiction? How do you cope?
I'm sorry. I guess I needed to vent more than I thought. I hope no one bites my head off. Thanks for reading.