Hi SSF, apologies for being missing in action, as it were.... and, many thanks for your appreciation of my stories. It means a lot, believe me. It's often easy to feel that what we write and pour forth on sites like this (though SR is my only such outlet) may not really reach anyone, to their heart and mind. It's good to know when it does.
Well done on your 16 days sober! Strong inclination to stay home alone? I'm probably not the best person to consult about that, given that profound isolation and loneliness (crushing loneliness) is seemingly a constant in my life. It has been so, and getting more profound (partly due to circumstances, other people, stuff I can't change) for about 4 years now.
Indeed, it's one of the things which is so unbearable that I pick up a drink again: which I've done AGAIN just this week. Indeed, I'm drinking already today and it's only just on midday here.
If I may, I'll type out the paper journal entry I made on Friday early evening:
" I just NEED a drink to soften, blur, these sharp edges of pain - an empty life day after day; loneliness which has seemingly NO solution; this deep sense of disconnection between me, as I am now, and the rest of societiy.
I am one of those who belongs neither in city nor country, in entirety. I am someone with the baggage of old lives constantly swirling in my imagination, and much of the same baggage literally filling and weighing down boxes, filing cabinets, hard drives and bookshelves.
It's the start of a long weekend (Queen's Birthday) and sooo many people will be going out, travelling afar, spending fun times with family and friends.
People like me? Nothing changes. So I went to buy wine: barely five days since the last lot on Monday night. And that (Mon) was the first drink in a month....
I feel like a serial drinker. I feel I'll always be a drinker, despite all the terrible things alcohol does to me, my daily life, my kids [who are estranged and waiting - I guess - to reconnect with a long term sober me].
I RESENT - actively feel self-pity, irritation - that others can have their wine, at home , or out and about when enjoying their restaurant meals, movies, group functions, even simple at-home group gatherings. Alcoholics like me have to either Not-Go to anything like that OR solely hang around with AA / non-drinker people, OR endure such drinking situations with soft drinks (which I've NEVER liked) or endless cups of hot beverages."
Most of this of course sounds like the sayings of the average person just coming to grips with never drinking again. But, I'm not at that starting gate; I'm four plus years down the track from when I first seriously tried to stop drinking for good (i.e. went into a residential detox facility). In the meantime, I've been through all the recovery stuff I talked about in earlier parts of this old thread.
Alcoholism is a serious relapsing condition? Too damn right it is.