Originally Posted by SnowedUnder

I choose this username because that's how I feel right now. I'm trying to find a shovel but every time I dig a deeper hole instead of a way out.
I've been in and out of recovery and treatment for alcoholism and cocaine addiction for many years. I've tried AA, NA, treatment facilities, CBT, addiction therapy...you name it and I've probably tried it. Each time (when I've not walked out) it has worked for a couple of weeks or maybe months and then something just snaps in my brain. It's not so much that something terrible or stressful happens to trigger a relapse, often I don't know why at all. Perhaps I get too comfortable or just bored. It's so easy f'ing up, easier than living.
At the same time, I hate living this life and seeing, knowing, or just sensing the disappointment from my friends and family. Addiction has consumed my identity and those who aren't always on my back about things have accepted I'll always be this way. That's even more depressing: knowing they've given up on me. Tbh, I'm surprised any of them have stuck around as I'm not a nice person to be with at times. Then, of course, it sets off that vicious circle of using/drinking to cope with the embarrassment of what I've done whilst using/drinking.
It's pathetic; my whole life right now. It's the same day-in-day-out, the same regrets, the same promises to myself and others. All the time I'm getting nowhere and the thought of making any plans or decisions quickly gets replaced with whatever is in my bloodstream.
Logically, one would think this level of loathing for what I do would spur me into some kind of action. No. Sometimes I get inspired, ironically, when I'm high and write down all my plans and become convinced it will be different this time. It all fades away to nothingness in the morning.

Where do I go from here? What do I do? I feel like I've run out of options and burnt all my bridges. Everything I do seems only to make matter worse. When I go to meetings or therapy all that happens is a neon sign is lit up in my head flashing 'DRINK DRINK DRINK' and when I've deleted dealers numbers from my phone I've ended up scoring in some very unsafe places. It's as if I'm cursed or, at the very least, a master of self-sabotage.

Advice?