I want to welcome you too Snowed. I hope being here will help you feel less anxious and give you hope.
I know just how you feel - been there many times. When I found SR I was drinking all day, every day. I couldn't imagine a way out. I started to read and post here, and before long I decided I wanted what the people here had - freedom. I had to admit drinking wasn't doing a thing for me - it was no longer fun or relaxing or a way to cope. The good times I once had with it were many years ago - and they were never coming back. Somehow I'd gone from social drinking to alcoholic drinking. It had become a necessity. Alcohol wanted me dead. I wasn't ready to give up on life. Something was different the last time. I made it. (5 yrs. 5 mos.) You can too, Snowed. Let's give this another try.