Yurt, it must be mortifying. And, trying to cut through denial is like trying to remove a sword from a stone. You just have no control--even though you turn yourself into a pretzel, trying.
Have you considered attending alanon? It has been the lifesaver for so m any who have faced what you are going through.
Keep reading--you will find other useful reading materials in the "stickies" at the top of this main page. Educating yourself will help a great deal.
Serenity prayer--early and often.
dandylion