After my xah continuously hurt and disappointed us, I set boundries. Very strict boundries. He was VERY enraged! Even though I had these boundries, I still felt like I had to tip toe around him. I hated having him angry at me all the time. I felt like I always had to diffuse the situation, but do it in such a way that I didn't back down on my boundries. It was a roller coaster.
An example, we had a nice supervised vist with our son after 3 months of not seeing him. I get an email from him afterwards, basically 3 sentences...."had a nice visit. our sonis so funny. please stop calling my girlfriend a *****" That was it. I was enraged! I hadn't even mentioned this woman. WTF? Here I was abandoned and dealing with this man child who didn't even pay support, disappeared for 3 months and he has enough audacity to ask this? This is his priority? I sent an email of all emails back to him. I had been nice and forgiving up until this point. I didn't ask too many questions, made it difficult but still let him see his son, made a picture book of our summer for him...basically turned the other way and allowed this poor irresponsible behavior. Not once did he try to build trust, or ask how he can co-parent. I was furious, and let him have it like never before. Sent the email, and became anxious because I knew I just pissed off the addict. There is NO rationalizing with addicts. They admit to nothing. It is pointless and a waste of energy. So, he reacted by calling me and leaving me a nasty voicemail...which I didn't listen to, and he sent me a stoopid email that just showed his anger. I knew I had to diffuse. No matter how right I was, I just didn't want his anger. So, I sent a very short email just saying sorry and that my email was below the belt. blah blah. He was still very angry. He saw his son 2 more times. The last time he saw his son he got mad because I checked on them during supervised visit, and he threw a tantrum and left. He totally walked out early on his visitiation. He was sooooo mad that not only did I call him out, but he could only see his son supervised, and I wouldn't budge on that. But he never even tried to do the right thing. EVER! He wanted what he wanted with no questions. He couldn't handle the fact I wouldn't give in to what he wanted. You see, my sons well being is too imprtant. There was no way I would let him take him unsupervised. NO WAY! I did not trust him or the druggies he hung out with. Anyways, he has since disappeared again. whew! THANK GOD!
It isn't easy dealing with them because there is no rationalizing with them. Any truth you say, they blow up and twist. They don't accept responsibility and they won't listen. They just want what they want when they want it and if they don't get it they throw a HUGE tantrum. I honestly felt like I was dealing with 2 three year olds at the time. The hard part is, you can't let them walk all over you. My xah hated my boundries, and he finally disappeared because I made it too hard for him.
If at all possible, no contact really is the best. It was so difficult dealing with him. It made me anxious. Who wants to deal with that all the time?
Good luck and stick to your boundries. Take care of you.