Sounds like you're in a "loop"- that is the problems which have arisen from drinking make you want to drink, which causes more problems, which leads to drinking, etc. How to get out of the vicious circle? Can you say that now you're fed up with all that, that you won't ride the merry go round any more, that you're ready for a new beginning, a rebirth of your true self. Often it takes something very dramatic to do this. Hitting bottom. It helps to do just what you're doing now, that is seeking the help of other recovering alcoholics.Both on this SR website and in some congenial group setting. You can make a break for it, one day at a time. Others have and you can too. This is a kind of slavery which has been self inflicted and you can escape from this by not drinking, one day at a time, or one hour at a time, if you have to do it that way. Deal with your shame and discouragement not by drinking but by telling other alcoholics how you feel. They feel bad too and they will understand. They will not criticize you. It's an illness and the way to deal with it is in your hands.
W.