I had a number of "soft" conversations with Mr. Arch - warnings that I was not going to tolerate his behavior and that I would leave. They were about expressing my boundaries with fair notice - not making an ultimatum. I then created a list of my boundaries - my requirments for any person I woudl live with and on which I will not compromise. Then, I filed for divorce, had him served and told him that I was doing so because I love him, but will not live with him and his current choices. I told him if things stayed as they are, then I would procecute the divorce to the end, but that he certainly was free to make changes and see if I was still willing to talk. After a few days of extreme anger, he wanted to talk about my boundary list.
Who knows if anything will come out of it. He now knows that the clock is ticking. But I post this just to suggest that actually filing for divorce is not the end - but just the begining of a process. It certainly got my husband's attention in a way that no conversation before did. We are having honest conversations for the very first time in over a year and he has agreed to have a psych evaluation, follow any recomendations and go to family therapy, and I have agreed to a specific waiting period before we seperate to evaulate whether he is really committed to this or not.
The key for me clearly articulating my new ground rules for myself in writing, and making it clear that I was firm on these boundaries by filing for divorce. I think this made for a much better statement to him then an ultimatium - if you don't do this, I will do this.... Instead, he knows what I am going to do, and that he might be able to change my mind if he can meet my boundaries, if he is so inclined.
This, by the way, is a very freeing place to be. I know what my path is and I am not being tossed around by the desire to react to him.