Originally Posted by
ananias 
Part of me...is excited it is almost Friday night.. Sigh. Always the night it is "okay" to drink. Sick of these cycles....saying I'm not gonna drink and the closer forefathers the more I try to say hey....just one night. You won't drink on Saturday just Friday. And it turns into every night until it's Wed the next week and you say hey it's almost the weekend anyways might as well finish this week and start over on Sunday.
I didn't buy any vodka last weekend and ran out. Said Sunday I was not going to drink....found myself drinking an old bottle I found in the garage and when that ran out I drank all the liquors in the cabinet. Super....I haven't drank since then but everyday closer to the weekend I'm talking myself into and the back out of getting a bottle and just relaxing.
What do I need more willpower? I feel like I don't want to...it sad to think never again can I drink. I like to drink. I know I'm being childish but ugh. How do I flip the switch. it feels like saying you can never wear shoes again....I know spending this much time thinking about this is just one more sign that I can't drink anymore. But we're can I find the push to shut up that voice.
It sounds like you havent reached the stage where you want it bad enough or are willing to stand up and force yourself to make a change. I try and be supportive on here, but you are pretty consumed with wanting to drink again. Its a choice only you can make! You either want to change your life or you dont.
Never start saying I will never do something, this or that, EVER again...........instead try saying I will not drink today, and do something else to challenge yourself. Getting sober isnt just setting the bottle down, its a whole new way of life and learning how to deal with life in general with a clear head and open mind.Its a lot of personal reflection and personal growth that I believe, makes you a much more well rounded person with a sense of self that in unparalleled. Its not easy, but its one of the most worthwhile things I have ever experienced in my life. The differences are so profound, I had no idea when I first started.
So you have to ask yourself if you are ready to go all in on changing your entire world by getting sober, or if you aren't quite there yet. Then, and only then, can you decide to get the ball rolling and making changes. You have to be super proactive, but I can attest that its worth it. Its really up to you.