thank you, katiekate and everyone else... i really need to just let go for good.
last night i got an email from him that was all about how sorry he is and how much he loves me and that i am the best thing that ever happened to him and i made him believe in god again. he can't imagine his life without me and just wishes there was a way to fix things but he doesn't know where to start.
i replied with what i think was a very reasonable message back about feeling that i can't talk to him about things without him becoming angry with me and not knowing how to respond to him when he is saying such nice things to me again now that have recently also been followed by how awful i am. i explained my need for honesty. i told him i really hope he can embrace recovery and i just want him to be healthy and ok. i apologized again for not always handling things right. etc. and so on.
he responded to my email with anger. blamed me for not talking to me while he's been gone. told me again that i slammed the door in his face and i'm so hurtful he can't even believe it. accused me of being "all over the road" when i have been saying "the same things over and over". makes no sense. won't. he paid no attention to anything i said in my email to him...he didn't get the response he wanted from me so i am back to heartless and cold. i can't keep up and i'm to the point where it's becoming almost impossible to care.