Nonsensical

I went to bed early last night. I slept fairly well, although I had the sweats so bad I thought I might have wet the bed when I first woke up. My body still rejecting the liquor, I suppose.

I am anxious today. I don't want to go back to work. I took two sick days. The well-wishers will ask after me, and I will have to lie. Not looking forward to that.

I also still do not understand how I lost my resolve to stay sober, and that concerns me. I do not want to repeat that meltdown, and if I don't understand it I don't know how to fix it or prevent it from happening again.

I have thought for months that it should be easier for me to defeat my addiction than it is for most of my fellow alcohol addicts here. Many of you drink to self-medicate for depression, anxiety, horrific personal traumas, or other actual medical conditions. I don't have any of that. I just feel like my mind races a bit and alcohol slows it down. I like that feeling. I drink so much that I rapidly pass through soothing to oblivion, now, but that's why I'm here.

So many of my fellows here get sober and then start their real work of feeling better without alcohol in their lives. I don't have that to do. My life is pretty darn close to everything I ever wanted. I hope that I don't sound douchey by saying that, but it's true. I have a beautiful wife and children. Everyone is healthy. By any reasonable measure I am wealthy. I have a lucrative job and am highly thought of by my colleagues.

I don't have any reason to drink, so I don't know what to work on when I stop. Does that actually make it more difficult? It seems absurd on the face of it, but I don't know any more.

Now that I've written it all out, I can also see that it doesn't matter. Whether my journey is harder or easier than the next guy's is immaterial. It's my journey - the one God/the Universe assigned to me. I have to make it. No one else can.

I'm glad I don't have to make it alone.

Good morning, Sober Friends. Let's do this.