Pandabubbles is new and heres where hes ar
Panda bubbles (Moi) is new to this site and wanted to post his situation now for guidance and to have a post to look back at.
31 now. My life fell apart about 3 years ago. I lost my mum to cancer. Long drawn out battle where everything just went wrong. Thats cancer though... Anyway at that stage I had a girlfriend of 4 years or so and we lived together. I had a small close friendship group. My dad lives in Singapore and I'm an only child in Melbourne AU. Over the course of the next year I had a massive fall out with said friendship group. A third party got involved, my best friends mum, an evil witch with previous jail time. She manipulated the whole situation for own good. Anyway enough about her. I did treat people poorly and in retrospect had for a long time.
Thing is now I've been unemployed for 3 years, have Major Depression, GAD and ADHD. I've tried every antidepressant and Ritalin is the only thing that has ever helped. I live alone with 2 dogs. I tried to go back to Uni to do a masters in creative writing but after 6 weeks of enjoyment my enthusiasm just died. It's a repeating thing with me. So now I drink 1-2 bottles of red wine a day, take 60mg Ritalin or 120mg every second day because I binge. Take 5-8 mg of Xanax, 2mg Clonazapam and 30mg of Mirtazipine at night. Smoke a pack and a half a day now. Smoke synthetic Weed every 2nd day. It's a mess and its been much like this for the last 3 years. The xanax comes and goes. Sometimes I don't take it for months and go through some widthdrawal do more doctor shopping and take lots of Valium instead.
I know I need to change. I want to change but I have no friends or family. I need to do a detox and a rehab just to break the cycle and be around people again. I just don't know where to start because most rehabs are abstinence based and my benzo tollerance means that I can't just get off them in a week-10 days. Then there's the Ritalin. They will probably not allow this either nor the 2-4mg Clonazapam that I am actually prescribed by a Psych. Then there's the dogs. Will be hard to place them somewhere. It just feels like destiny. I die this year. I've worked on things for 3 years and I've got nowhere.