swizzlekiss

I just needed to talk...I'm alone at home (bf's gone for the week at work) I'm just frustrated. It's like, sober up for 8 months, fall off for 3 months. Sober up for 3 months, fall off for two weeks. I just want to be done with this. I try to remind myself that I had been drinking heavily for 10 years, thinking a certain way for 10 years, and that doesn't just go away overnight, it has to be worked on...but I just ...God, I just wish someone would come along with a wand and tap me on the head and say "You're fixed now! You never have to deal with this again." My bf left me a note before he left for the week saying "I love you, I forgive you, but you need to start going back to meetings." (I had spent the day/night before drinking all day, acting like a fool, bringing up old crap from the past...uck.) He is so good to me, so kind and so patient - He shouldn't have to deal with this either. I want to be able to give back to him, love and happiness, and all of the joy he brings to me. I want him to be able to lean on me. Even though I know this is something that doesn't just go away, I want to be worth the trouble. Day 2, and I'm still sweating out booze, shaky, scared, upset.
I just want to have a good, sober year. I want this year to be the best ever. I'll try for a year this time. It upsets me that I can't just say "This is done forever." because I can't make that promise. But I can promise a year. That seems doable. Hopefully that'll just continue, but I don't know. I'm tired and lonely (moved across the country last month...don't really know anyone here. There's an A.A. meeting once a week in the town I'm in...haven't gone yet, but plan to on sunday.) and needed to vent. Thanks.