Today, I am questioning if I am just "standing by my broken man" from Cynical One's blog. I am wondering if I am settling.
The confusing part for me was that he has always been what some consider "high functioning" but along with the money he made - came poor choices, poor spending habits and a lifestyle I have never found acceptable. When i see him working, it can blind me of the true sickness of his brain. If he was not working, would things look differently?
I am questioning now if I used his addiction as an excuse to accept unacceptable behavior and choices. How easy it is to say....well he wasn't himself, he was sick. Oh, he did that because he was active in his addiction. Oh, he is in early recovery, so his moodiness is understandable. Oh and let's not talk about the truth or the pain because it may shame him. The past is the past. Blah, blah, blah
I may have made many mistakes but I have tried very hard too. I tried to salvage what was left of my marriage. I have tried to support his recovery efforts. I tried to put the past behind me. But in truth, I wonder if I just kept raising the bar.
I sat on the fence for a long time waiting and watching. In doing so, I still allowed my life to be put on hold because I wasn't sure what my life should be. What was my role?? Ugh, I was still so enmeshed and couldn't see it.
I struggled with the expression "take addiction out of it" because that wasn't the reality but was it because I really didn't like the answers? Is denial still my drug? Was fear still leading the way?
The truth is that lately when I read about somebody leaving their relationship, I feel envious. I think yes, they are free, free of the insanity of addiction....which includes recovery efforts.
When I read about people hoping and praying for their spouses to seek recovery, I want to tell them...the hard part has really just begun. It's not the miracle fix, I wanted so desperately. Of course, I want all our loved ones to want and need recovery, it's just not our (we) solutions, it's simply there's and that isn't always what's best for us, you or me.
The expression "Cry now for losing him or cry later because you stayed" still haunts me!!
So today, I ask God to show me the truth. Give me the wisdom and strength to do His will and to guide me for I feel very lost.