Originally Posted by
jakec 
I guess when they say your addiction starts to manifests itself in other areas of life they're not kidding! For me it's through sex. I was so desperate today that I ended up sleeping with a 37 year old man. I felt DISGUSTING afterwards and ashamed and all these feelings of self-hatred came back at once and it was just awful.
I should have listened when they told me that you shouldn't get involved in "intimate"(if you wanna call it that) relationships in your first year of recovery, cause now I feel all f***ed up in the head and it's not that I want to use but it really just ruined the streak of positivity I've had so far. /:
Dude, your struggles strike a chord in me because I can relate. You are SO young and it doesn't seem like you have any real role models or guidance. I cant imagine going through what you are at age 17. It was scary for me, and I was 28. I really want you to get things on track and to experience life the way it was meant to be. Being gay programs us to have a low self esteem, from growing up being bullied, to not ever feeling like we really fit in. Its a tough life, but it doesnt have to be. Your sexuality is 1 fraction of who you are as a young man. You being gay doesnt have to define who you are or how you behave. I learned this the long, hard way, but at least I figured it out. Try and not beat yourself up about the older guy and learn from it. Hopefully you were safe, but honestly, it sounds like you just wanted to make a connection, any connection. I understand that, but you have to find healthier alternatives that will build up your self esteem and confidence, not activities that will bring you down emotionally, psychically, and mentally. Does that make sense? What is it you like to do the most? Go from there.
There is a whole world outside the gay bars, drugs, alcohol, random sex acts, and the many aspects of gay culture that seem to really destroy the community. It doesnt seem like it when you are new to the scene and everything is new and exciting, but trust me.........its not a healthy way to live. Its enticing and easy to get wrapped up in. Ive seen many good guys fall into horrible lifestyle habits and they usually end up with Aids or overdosing.