Originally Posted by mstrust

you guys... i'm struggling.

i don't know how to stop feeling guilty for not wanting this relationship anymore. the addict has been texting me again today but now the tone has changed. today he is so sorry...and it's all about me not talking and me not being able to listen and me being all over the place. this is not an accurate representation of events. i know this. i feel like this is what he does when he starts realizing he has screwed himself and wants to make everything "back to normal" and act like nothing has actually happened.

he is still gone and he is telling me that he is almost done his time there. he said the same thing a month ago. and of course, he says, NOW i decide to tell him i don't want to be in this anymore, when he is almost ready to come home and i leave him with nowhere to go. i can see my own posts on here that indicate WHEN i said things and i know i've repeated myself to him. it isn't my fault if he is choosing to conveniently ignore me and pretend i never said anything.

the very last straw for me was when i found he had filled a prescription for codeine and he denied having taken any despite the fact that his behavior toward me was EXACTLY the same as when he was here and using. anyone who commented to me agreed that it sounded like he was using again. and truthfully, even if he didn't take any of those pills, i just do not want to live this way anymore. with constant doubt, no trust for good reason, anxiety, chaos...always something. i want a chance at happiness. i want to have a relationship that is healthy. i want to fully get myself back and i can't do that in this situation. i can't.

why do i feel sorry for him? why do i feel obligated? why do i feel guilty??
i know that there are not necessarily answers to these questions... sometimes it would be nice to be able to really shut down and not care at all.