Thanks Hopeworks..
This is my plan, Al Anon Meetings, therapy, and reading a lot...anything I can get my hands on that might help me move forward. I'm just so tired of feeling so depressed and anxious all of the time. What is confusing is that I felt this way at times when I was with my A as well. Is this a brain thing (me being depressed) or was I wrong to make such an issue of his drinking to begin with?
I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought about was him and the two of them together...again. Images of them being together intimately have also been somewhat pervasive in my mind and that hurts a lot as well but I know this is a done deed by now. I know any relationship has to play itself out and theirs will too...but focusing on that is not going to get me anywhere. I fixate between them being together forever and me being alone forever...they win, I lose...this is what I find myself thinking about often. I imagine them doing the things we use to do together like going to baseball games and taking trips as this is when he was at his best and wanted to share and open up with me.
To counter these feelings I then try to remember the daily routine of him coming home, locking himself in the bathroom for an hour claiming to be "reading" and relaxing when in reality he likely was having a few drinks and getting his buzz on before we started our evening together. Some nights he would manage it enough and the alcohol would not take too much of an effect, other nights he would drink and get drunk to the point of being obnoxious. Then there were the nights when we would go out to dinner and he would drink so much that he would not be able to hold a decent conversation, rarely asking me how my day was or about things I might be interested in. At parties with friends he was always the one who drank the most and I hated that. It wasn't that he was drunk all the time it was often just the fear of not knowing how much and when he might drink too much and the fact that it was pretty much always a point of discussion at some point in the day about what, if, when, and how much he would drink. He told me that was my fault often because I was too fixated on it. I also know he hid it from me as well and when I suspected he had been drinking (sneaking up stairs during times in the night when we were watching TV or hanging out) I would often go on my mission and find the proof that he had been sipping on something as I'd suspected. And I know I'm repeating myself here but is it too much to ask to be able to have your BF drive you to dinner and not get so drunk at times that he forgot to pay the bill or became so drunk at dinner that he would nod off? This is what started happening lately, a couple times before we broke up. I would also hate it because my internship would run late a few nights of the week and I was resentful of the fact that if he drank and I needed him, had an accident, etc that I did not know if I could count on him to be sober enough to come and get me. I also resented the fact that he had two DUI's and instead of just not drinking so he could drive us to dinner he would just say let's take a cab. I will have a few here because it costs so much when we go out and then you can drive he would also sometimes say. I refused, why take a cab? Why not just not drink so you can drive and take me out I would say. I know this was my way of trying to control his drinking and he would just say then I don't want to go out then. It's too expensive anyway (he makes good money and this is not an issue). He is what I guess one would consider a high functioning alcoholic.
I know I'm looking backwards now because I'm hoping I did the right thing by pointing out to him that he had a drinking problem and by sticking to my guns that this was an unaccpetable way to live. Did I make too much out of it? His friends and family are all saying he is an A or at the very least has a drinking problem. I'm second guessing myself now because I'm in so much pain and did not want this relationship to end, I just wanted him to stop drinking. I'm asking myself why I just didn't learn to put up with it and accept him the way that he was? If I had I would not be sitting here feeling so scared, lonely, and sick to my stomach. Maybe my ego was too strong and I thought I knew all of the right answers when really I didn't. I gambled and lost...I really thought in the end he would never let the relationship end....that is until he allowed someone else into his heart and life. Apparently she has a different way about her in dealing with all of this and he would rather be with her than me and honestly this is what is killing me inside. Why did I get so angry and resentful in the end? Why did I just not stay neutral about it and leave him well enough alone to let him do what he needs to do? At least he would still be in my life and I would not feel like my left arm is missing and I would not be so full of regret about the life I'm never going to have with him now. He did want to open up and share his life with me but he also wanted to drink and often when he did it was to excess. I love this man...now she has him because I could not leave well enough alone. I do what I always do and push for things to be better...I wanted him to not drink because I thought that was our problem and if that could be fixed then many things could get better. I know I can't change things now but was I wrong? Am I right to think that with time I will get over this and see that my life without having to deal with an A will be better? Will I regret this forever? Was he right and did I just blow the best thing that ever happened to me in my life?
During that last week we were together he drank so much and made sure he was in my face about it. We argued and he would pass out and fall asleep. I was so anxious that I would wake him up and ask that he tell me he loved me and that we would work on things. He was drunk so he would yell at me, kick at me in bed, and even told me that I was a pathetic ***** and he didn't care if I sat in traffic and was hit by a car. I think he was just drinking so much to get me to leave and I just wouldn't. I wanted to work this out and I think he was just done (because he had already decided he was going to move on with her) and he was doing anything he knew he could to get me out. Earlier in the week he would do other things like start drinking, hide from me in the house or go outside and be texting or talking on the phone to someone (likely her) making me feel insecure and nervous about what was happening in my own home. Does this sound like A behavior to anyone? He tells me he loves me but that he can't give me what he wants and that he was just not man enough to admit it. He told me later, the last time we spoke that he just couldn't get me to leave, that no matter what he did I would just stay...not matter what (I could smell alcohol on his breath that nite as well).
I hate the fact that he chose this...WHY DID HE NOT CHOOSE ME? I know it's the same thoughts over and over again. Is it my sickness that I'm still in denial about his alcoholism? I'm so convinced I will never get over this and not meet anyone else and be happy that I just keep looking back to see what I could've done differently. Was it me? Was I the problem? Are all my friends, family, therapist just telling me what they think I need to hear? Was I just too focused on the negative with him and not enough on the positive? He would do things like make me dinner, tell me he loved me, play with our dog, keep in contact with me throughout the day via text. I always new where he was and what he was doing. But he still liked to drink...a lot sometimes and I never knew when and for me it was often too much to handle. Was I the one with the problem not him? Ugh...I'm second guessing everything now and I know many of you are going to say its OVER move on but I can't seem to do that. I wish I could but I'm wondering this morning if I made the biggest mistake of my life by not dealing with this relationship differently. Any words of wisdom???