You are probably right. I had to leave town for a few days, busy with family but I plan to
attend meetings daily when I get home tomorrow. I guess I just keep looking for
some way to make the pain go away. I had a dream last night about a former ex
who wasn't an A who loved me very much but we were young and I wasn't ready to
settle down so we broke up. He rejected me in my dream too...I had come back now wanting him...understandably upset. Anyway, it was just a dream but Im sure it has meaning...will cover that in therapy on Monday.
So here is where I am today...feeling very resentful that Im the one who is hurting so much and need to get all this help & treatment to move on & get better & that he is already in a new relationship having the time of his life & is happy. That they have each other and I'm the one pining for my past relationship. If I could just really believe that he isn't totally happy and that he would do anything to get me back I would feel so much better. It's like I need him to want me again to feel like a whole person. A friend told me that my ambition to make this work along with his lies and alcoholism supported my ability to be in denial. It's like all of my family & friends were just waiting for this house of cards to fall. I knew he could be an a** I just never thought he could be one to me. What my fantasy is now us to find someone else who will really love me. But what I'm being told is that I need to be alone for at least a year go get healthy so I choose a better partner next time. I'm scared I won't find that...I'm 45....from all Ive seen most men want much younger versions...have I really screwed up my life here by spending 7 years with this guy? Anyway....that's where I am today.