angeleye

It's crazy isn't it? Just when you thought your life had no more meaning and you're ready to set yourself free, someone comes into your life, saves you and turns your whole world upside down. But how can you save the person that saved you when your still broken apart and can only do so much.

I'm disagnosed with MDD, anxiety, panic disorder and BPD. The beginning of this year I met up with an acquaintance whom Ive known for over a decade. I never really associated with him much in the past based on what I knew about him. He was a player, a pothead and did a few other drugs. We both had a pretty much bad reputation as I was pretty much the girl who beat people up and was difficult to approach. We started messaging each other on facebook and started texting, he told me he smoked Chrystal Meth and I already knew that there was more to his story. Ive gone through alot in life and learned to never judge people because we all have a story to tell which makes us the way we are. So, I met up with him.

The first time we hung out, we had alot of things to talk about but the second time we hung out, I fell inlove. Im well aware of my illness. At the moment I wasnt looking for a relationship and I was starting to focus on myself. But how do I push away something that found me. Ive learned alot more about him, we both grew up in a pretty messed up environment and had gone through alot in life. I connected with him in a way I couldnt connect with my past boyfriends or with anyone else. I go myself thinking he was my soulmate. I can see right through him and I know that hes a really great person, just bad things happened and was in the wrong crowd. I can see in his eyes his struggles, pain and suffering and his cry for help but hes just really lost and constantly doing what he knows to get rid of all those which is smoking chrystal meth. I love him. He understands and supports me through my depression and darkest days. I love him for so many reasons but I cant sit back and watch him destroy his life. I dont know much about drugs or how it affects you. He tells me all the time that he would never let it take control of his life. He tried to quit cold turkey last month. He slept for days, was always tired and hungry. I understood its his body trying to catch up fom the lost of sleep and eating but at the same time I needed him to be there for me with my own sickness which lead us both to go our own ways. He went back into smoking. He tells me all the time he needs me. He told me that he went back to smoking because I wasnt a part of his life anymore. He told me that the only way he was capable of giving that up is if i was with him. I dont want him to do it for me, I need him to do it for himself but at the same time, I would put my life on hold just for a chance to save another persons. I love him so much. It's really heart breaking and it honestly kills me to watch him smoke everytime. I started drinking every now and then when everything becomes overwhelming for me. In a way I understand what its like to have a "fix" and to numb out all the pain and hurt. But the difference is I dont rely on my drinking anymore to get through my day.

The relationship that me and him both have is very complicated. We're not together. We WANT to be but when things are really good, everything falls apart. We both have our own issues but putting all mine aside, Im really worried and concern about his. We started talking again the beginning of May. We've been really good. He already knows how I feel about him and smoking. He told me he was just going to finish his last batch and stop. But when he finished it today, he couldnt stand being tired and "missing out" on his day. So he went to go get some more. Its more heartbreaking than upsetting. I spoke what was on my mind but he autmatically assumed i was angry and being judgemental when truly, I dont understand the effect of it.


Its crazy. Hes still perfectly normal when hes on it. Hes still capable of going to work and communicating properly. aside from the fact that hes a bit paranoid sometimes and thinks people are staring at him and can see that hes "******" or "high." I honestly just dont know what to do anymore. He a part of my life and its honestly affecting me and hurting me to think that at any given day someone as great and perfect as he is can just be taken away from that stupid drug. How can someone so smart with so much potential, amazing personality and an een greater mentality be hooked on this? He says hes not. But I can see it slowly becoming more and more a part of his life.

Everything is taking a huge affect on me. Im starting to slowly fall back deeper into my depression. I can feel it. Seems like the more reasons he gives me to why he needs it, the more Im starting to feel more and more alone again. I know what I need to do and I know what most of you would do in this type of situation. But honestly, how do you just walk away from the person you love and let them slowly destroy themselves.

I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to think or do anymore. I honestly dont....