Sorry everyone for the previously long post. It was stream of thought writing I guess, just needing to get what I was thinking out of my head.
Today has been a rough day again, so sad, hurt, and feeling betrayed by the fact that he chose both alcohol and another relationship over me. I've read what a lot of you have posted about his disease and that he chose his addiction, not another person over me but honestly I'm having a hard time making sense of this. Intellectually I guess I understand it but emotionally I'm having a hard time dealing with it. It's all I think about even when I'm doing other things. I see something on TV about couples and I imagine them together doing all that couples do, enjoying their time together. It hurts and I can't get these images out of my mind. I sleep and have dreams about him rejecting me over and over again and feeling so desperate to be wanted and loved by him again. It's so confusing...I know I didn't like the drinking and his behavior when we were together but the pain is so great being away from him I just don't know how much more I can take. It wasn't all bad all the time...I know I'm rationalizing again.
I find myself kicking myself for not listening to my intuition when she started being introduced into our lives by him. He wanted us to meet, go to dinner, become friends, etc. We did go to dinner once and she came to our house. I rejected a real friendship with her though because I don't trust any woman who wants to get close to someone who is in a committed relationship. What girl does that? Did I do something wrong about NOT getting to know her? Did I fail to protect my relationship? At the time I just thought why should I have to do that? I didn't want to feel insecure about it so I rejected the notion and I guess buried my head in the sand as to what was going on.
OR in the alternative...Is it that he is an alcoholic and it wouldn't have mattered what I did nor did not do? If I did not accept him and his drinking and all that came with that then he would have found one way or another to get out of the relationship...no matter what. He functions relatively well with a great paying job and a few close friends but honestly does not spend a ton of time with them. When we were together he wanted to do things mainly together and with friends at times but rarely did it not involve drinking on some level. He actually use to say to me that if he could not drink then he would just prefer to come home, go to bed, and not go out. We argued about this. I'm told she does not really drink either (but she was drinking with him that night I found them together), but does at times smoke weed...so why did he chose her, the weed?...broken record I know...but I can't seem to move on from these thoughts...sorry...I hope this is more clear than my last post.