Hi Mizzuno. I just wanted to let you know how I understand that feeling. The sense of dread, the lack of belonging. I don't know how old you are, but did you feel like that when you were very young too? I always dreaded answering the phone, checking mail, pretty much everything because so much bad happened, what bad would happen next? Then as I got older, the horrible old stupid drunk tapes that would play & rewind in my head.
I hope you start feeling more "like yourself". I really enjoy your posts, tho I don't post a ton myself. Everything you say will resonate with someone, please remember that
Sometimes it's so hard to feel like we belong when we've been drunk & screwed up for so many years. For me , I've started small. Making sure my home is a safe haven for me, learning who my friends are (my circle has become very small), that sort of thing. I guess the disconnect is normal here and there. I always felt out of place, even when I was very young. It's getting better. Finally.