Thanks everyone...I went to another Al Anon meeting today at lunch in addition to attending therapy. The women at this meeting today could not have been nicer and more accepting of me and my pain. There were many that came up to me afterwards and hugged me telling me they understood and had ALL been there. I heard other women describe scenarios with their A that they are still dealing with that I remember doing and hating every minute of it. So in terms of what I've done for myself this week, that means two therapy sessions and one Al Anon meeting since Monday. I'm exhausted
I've come home and crawled in my bed and fallen asleep for a while every day. I hope this is what you all mean by working a program? I looked through the Al Anon meeting booklet today and found meetings at times where it looks like I can attend on a daily basis. I'm going to try that along with therapy a few times a week for now to see if that helps and then if necessary consider going on meds. I'm trying to leave that as a last resort because if I'm going to feel the pain I want to do so and move through it and NEVER have to do this again. I guess I will see how it goes. A friend of mine who is a great person and tries to keep things on higher ground said to me today a few things that I think are starting to make sense and are sinking in. My therapist agreed as well...it was this:
Things came to a head a month ago which lead me to get an apartment because I chose to not ever stop telling him that his drinking was an issue and that it was causing a lot of issues in our relationship. In the end I never waivered on that and he knew I was not ever going to be supportive of that and if he was going to ask me to marry him that this was going to continue to be am issue between us. I did not continue to fight to stay in the house and have him move out to "think about things" and have me waiting and relying on him financially because I did not want to be dependent on him whatsoever. I admit that I was also not ready for the relationship to be over and that I hoped he would still come to his senses, but who wouldn't after spending 7 years with someone. In the end he still chose A over me and knew he had this other person in the wings who was in someway or somehow going to deal with it differently. I did not just go to a friends house for a while I went and rented an apartment with a lease, took the dog, and did not return his calls for a couple of days to tell him where I was and what I was doing. I did this, as well as throughout our relatoinship let him know that I was not going to be okay with his drinking behaviors and all that came with it....it always just made me feel uneasy because it seemed that he OFTEN needed or wanted it...he could hardly ever do something like go to dinner, spend time at a party, or even just be at home for any significant lenght of time without a drink in his hand. He admitted just getting better and better at hiding it from me. In essence...I was always trying to change him and was never really okay with who he was. I thought I was separating him out from the alcohol but I think he believed I was not and he knew I was never going to be okay with the way he wanted live his life...that and he said he wanted to start smoking week again one day and I wasn't really okay with that either. I'm just not a big fan of having or wanting to do anything that makes you in some way not present. He on the other hand wanted to be able to choose these things and not feel pressured or rejected by me for wanting to do so. This other person, who apparently quit her job to be with him even though she says she knows he is a A must be able or willing, unlike me, to tolerate who he is and his behavior on some level that I was not able to. She accepted him for who he is and I was asking him to change...he wanted the bottle and he finally figured out a way to have both...to be with someone and to not give up the bottle and who he was. He no longer felt he had to change. I guess I understand it...it makes me sad and I so wish he could've seen that he is an A and that by getting help he would be much healthier in the long run and that yes...selfishly it would've meant we might have had more of a chance. It's been said that pride and ego might have gotten in the way here...I think that is likely true in that I was wounded in those areas when he could not see what I was saying, which is that he needed help with the alcohol, that I knew that to be true...I still believe that. I know now though that he has to do it for himself but it was my love for him and all of the wonderful parts of who he was and who we were that made me stay in the fight for such a long time. Yes, I wanted something out of the relationship...to be loved back, to be respected, to be held, to be listened to, to have someone to count on. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. The fact that he was and is a A may mean in the end that there is a limit to what he can provide but I still don't think it was wrong for me to ask what for what I wanted out of that relationship. I was in it too, not just the A. He made a promise to be that he would never leave me...he did and I've every right to feel justified and hurt in that he chose the alcohol and whatever/whomever came along with that in the end. He chose to end things this way, he knew what would hurt me the most and he chose to make that happen so I would finally go. He knows how much he hurt me and does not care, in fact I believe he did this on purpose to hurt me as much as he feels I've hurt him by not accepting him for who he is. I may not have been perfect in this relationship but I don't regret having not made it more comfortable for him to drink...why should I? Step away and say to him and myself that it's no big deal when it is? I know now that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I also know that standing by and accepting someone to be a drunk where they make things around them uncomfortable and people around them (mainly me) feel lonely, miserable, and worried is also NOT okay. I see how I made my self sick trying to do the three C's...I see that now but am I wrong to also say that NOT tolerating or accepting his drinking in the end was NOT WRONG? I'm also starting to see how bizarre this new relationship he has going is. What women in her right mind quits a job to date a guy she says she knows is an A and has a disease? I know I could never do that...not that he asked, in fact he was happy to have me pay my fair share of everything and would remind me at times when he felt I wasn't such as when we went out to dinner and he would say, are you going to pay...of course not when do you ever pay? It was important for him to have me pay and be self sufficient but now he is okay with someone quitting her job to be with him? What the heck is that? Is that part of the co-dependent nature of where his thinking has now gone...if she is somehow dependent on him then she will be more likely to accept him for who he is? Sorry, spinning again. She is just the opposite of me, needy, needy, needy and I'm not. Also, it had been said that I'm not a prize to be won? Why is it not okay to want your partner to chose you over something that is so damaging himself and the relationship...should I not feel I'm worth it? Admittedly a little confused about that comment??