Thanks for telling your story Auden. I can identify with so much of it...
I'm almost at the 6 month mark after at least two long seemingly hopeless years of stopping, starting, denial, moderation, SR, AA, no SR, no AA etc.
Then, like you one day I stopped and so far I have managed to stay stopped.
SR is a huge support to me and I am so touched by this invisible, worldwide group all struggling and supporting one another as we reach for our recovery and peace of mind. Until we can finally get the chance to live the kind of life that we deserve, once we start to believe in ourselves again and the wounded but beautiful people we really are when the ugliness and tyranny of addiction is slowly and carefully taken away, step by step, day by day.
No matter what way my day goes or what gaps exist in my life I feel totally blessed to be sober and so very grateful to everyone on SR, all who post, read, press the 'thanks' button and send smiley faces!!