One year ago today, I gave up drinking. My last drink, as far as I remember, was a chug of dark rum sneaked out of a friend's bottle in their kitchen, on Memorial Day. I was already drunk, but of course that was besides the point. I always wanted to hit that sweet spot of "just drunk enough" but I never found it, right?
At the time, I quit because I was sneaking drinks, fighting with my BF, and terrified I would be called out, fired or left. Now, I see quitting was the best gift I could give myself. After one year of sobriety I can tell you, the hardest part was deciding to stop. That I could stop and life would be OK. After I did that, it was a long-view goal to learn how to live without alcohol as a daily crutch. It took time, it took practice, it took many hours spent on SR and other addiction blogs. Yesterday, I was driving home from work, and feeling grumpy and anxious. I lamented the way my brain works...anxious, overanalyzing, quick to jump to the worst conclusions. But as I was driving and mulling over in my head what I could do to feel better (go for a walk, finish a to-do list, talk to someone) I remembered how the answer used to be simple: drink. Get home from work, barely make it in the door before I was opening my first beer, or sneaking drinks on the way home. Now, I have better tools to handle life. Is it always easy? No. Sometimes life is hard, and painful. But I'm practicing how to life through that on my terms, and I see the benefits of it everyday.
Today, I have a new job. I don't have credit card debt. I have a better relationship with my family. I read books. I still have the love and admiration of my good friends. My BF is currently designing our wedding rings.
I have good days and bad days. I don't think sobriety is a magic pill. But it is a way of living that feels more like living than I can remember. At my worst, a few years ago, I would come home, drink a bottle of wine and 4 beers, smoke a pack of cigarettes, and compulsively watch TV. No friends, no daily chores, no outside world. Just me and my addiction. That is no way to live, like in a cave. Today, my world is a bigger, wider place, and I try to give back to it.
For the old timers, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for all you do here on SR and other recovery groups. You inspire, give fellowship, and I would not be here today without you and Sober Recovery. I needed to learn that I was loveable and worthy of a good, authentic life, regardless if I drink or not. We are all worthy of love and life, but now life is just that much better.
For the new timers, don't give up, beautiful friends. I know you are in pain right now, and things seem raw and uncertain. Maybe you have relapses. Maybe you have drama to deal with. I just want to let you know, you have it in you to live your life well. You will find strength in places you didn't know existed. You will find love and strength in yourself. I want you to know I love you, and think of you everyday. Someday, these raw moments will have passed, and you will look at the calendar one year later and think about how far you have come. You might get a little weepy, and feel very grateful. Lean on each other, open your heart to supportive friends, live in less fear and more gratitude and joy. Thank the people who put love and energy into your life. Be the life you want to live.
Today, I'm going to write notes of thanks to my BF and close friends who supported me this past year. I'm going to go to a ballgame and enjoy a big- icy virgin strawberry margarita. I'll probably cry a bit, thinking of how close I came to losing so much. But I'll also take time to think of all you, spread all over the world, each on your own journey. You give me so much comfort, and all of your posts really do help.
You are not alone SR friends. Thank you for all the love and kindness.
