BL -
I completely empathize with you - I too still struggle with the idea that I cannot drink. I am still too new to sobriety to be able to trust myself given the opportunity to buy alcohol - so, right now, I just don't give myself those opportunities. I identify with your words, "But if I weren't broke, would I go?? I think so. That's so embarassing and I'm so ashamed of where I have been and am." I think many of us here have started out rather defiant... the drink (or the drug) has become our buddy and our crutch and - being addicts - we cannot imagine life without it. Not early on, at any rate. However, you've reached the same point I have - you appear to be sick and tired of being sick and tired (cliche, but so true)... so this is a great starting point for you. This forum is a wonderful tool in the recovery tool kit... and do try to get to some meetings. I have started making myself go (kicking and screaming at times)...and I always leave being glad and grateful to have gone. And humbler, too. You could also look into Women for Sobriety -
http://www.womenforsobriety.org/ Their's is a different philosophy from AA but has the same drive behind it - a desire for sobriety. Anyhow, just hold on - do anything you can not to pick up that first drink. After the first, it's all downhill; all of us here can attest to that, and you know it yourself. Keep on coming around, and try to learn how to believe in yourself - and how worthy you are of a life free from alcohol.
You'll be in my thoughts,
Anne