hmmm well I've been kinda quiet lately, and honestly, I think that is a good thing. But I just need to vent -_-
D's mother is a hot mess. He told her I broke up with him but not to worry, he will be ok.
she then went nuts on me asking how I could do this when he is so fresh in his recovery, I need to not be so clingy cuz he needs space to grow etc and soforth but that doesn't mean I should have dropped him like a hat, what happened? blah blah blah...
I tried to drop it and not discuss it with her.. she was so angry anyway that he has been ignoring her now that he got what he wanted out of her. After her not accepting that I didn't want to talk about it I told her to shut her trap. I didn't want to discuss it with her. She proceeded to tell me she is the adult and I am the child and I needed to respect her and not to speak to her that way.
I lost it.
I screamed into the phone. NO. you are NOT my PARENT. I am NOT a CHILD. I am FULLY GROWN. I do NOT appreciate being talked down to in this way by another so called ADULT. Forgive me if I am wrong, But I am NOT D. This is NOT a parent/child conversation. You wanna know what happened!? I went in to go to the bathroom and found two USED trays of heroin and a tooter in the toilet because your Junkie ( oh god forgive me for calling names I was just soooo pissed) son was too blown out of his mind to remember to flush it. I asked him to come fix the toilet for me, and when he saw it, I said this isn't cool D are you just gonna live this way? He exploded and told me to leave. He said He needed someone who could accept him the way he is. Someone who could look the other way. someone who could help him. someone more like his mother. Im sorry "mom" but when I stand in judgement I don't want to have to explain to God, master of the universe why I stayed in denial and enabled him. and at the top of my lungs I screamed AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE [ her name]
and she hung up on me. AND rightly so. I really b!tched her out.
not exactly shining recovery on my part but geeze....
grandma called and said its ok. Not to worry. His mom just wants me to fix him. She wants to fix him. We can't change either of them.
He came to church Wednesday. obviously in withdrawl, but not clean. Its like he purposefully doesn't use on those days. whatever. that's not recovery.
He is not angry I told his mom these things. He said I triggered a codie meltdown though. She has driven by his house when he lied to her and said he was at work, she has shown up knocking on the door at 6 am "just to check on him" blowing up his phone, begging yelling crying on the voicemail.
but she won't talk to me, or anyone. She won't rest until she gets whatever it is she wants out of D.
and he isn't giving it.
Im so glad she is leaving me alone.
part of me is glad he said I was in the right to tell her off. Im glad he told me he is glad I don't do those things to him anymore (boy oh boy I used to before he want into the salvation army. I even hunted him down and drug him out of the dopehouse once. I think I've called him literally 50 - 70 times in a night. wasted gallons of gas looking for him... sick... freaking sick)
He asked me why I don't drive him insane like that anymore.
I laughed and said "I thought you WANTED a partner like your mother? look D... I don't let YOU drive ME insane anymore."
he looked at me dumbfounded. He is so thick. ugh he's such a tool.
I also wished him luck in finding a girl who loves god (which he says is a must) is willing to enable him and also does not have codie meltdowns.
she doesn't exist.
He told me:
"even though I hate you, Dr Jeckle will always love you. You are my enemy, not his."
to me this is admission of him being in active addiction. By calling himself Mr. Hyde.
It has always been easier for him to be "honest" with metaphors.
another one is the scene from the movie Liar Liar. remember when Jim Carey tries to say the pen is red when really it is blue and can't? He rarely will answer yes, I have used. But seems to be able to say Yes. the pen is blue. Instead of saying ugh D! using looks like using. I would say D! The pen is blue! I have eyes and so do you we both know the pen is blue. and for some reason... his mind can admit the metaphor but not say the actual words... baffling isn't it?
well then maybe some of the things I say do sink into his thick skull.
I put on a fake British accent (manipulative of me I know)
"It's been a pleasure speaking with you Mr. Hyde, but a respectable lady like myself must not be seen with you without a chaperone. If you should happen to see Dr Jeckle, give him my regards. As for you, may the Lord send you back to hello there you belong."
I don't know why he hugged me. Hate the addiction. Love the person. maybe he understood that's what I was saying.
I went home that night and here and now here I am. ignoring the two calls I have gotten. and the 3 texts. Im not ready to block him completely. why? I don't know.
thanks for letting me vent. hugs to all of you